Well, I weighed in today. I only lost 2 pounds this week. I'm frustrated. Frustrated that the week before I had lost 10 pounds and didn't work out as hard or eat as good as I have this week. Frustrated that it was only 2 pounds. ONLY TWO POUNDS! After only eating fruits, veggies, seed, nuts, and lean protein like fish or turkey. After not drinking pop AT ALL only water. After being so positive that this week I was going to lose more. I ONLY LOST TWO POUNDS.
I was very frustrated this morning. I wanted to just give up. I told Adam, well fuck it, I'm going to see if I can qualify for gastric bypass. I was convinced I couldn't do it. I was so pissed I even went through McDonald's drive thru this morning and bought breakfast not caring at all about the calories. But then, something happened. I opened the wrapper to the sandwich, looked at it and.....fuckin' tossed that thing out the window!! Yup! I did. I just was disgusted with it. Just ewwwww.
I also realized...wow, I'm an emotional eater. And that's the reality. I turned to food for comfort. All of my life, food was my friend. It stems back from my childhood I guess, when I started turning to food for comfort. I had a rough childhood. Very tough. My parents were alcoholics. My parents had financial troubles all the time that put much strain on all of us. The fighting, being without gas (aka no heat, hot water), the cars being repoed, the bankruptcies. My parents were never THERE. Sure they were there, but not. You know what I mean? They were there for some basic things. But, alcohol took more importance. They were always gone. My sister and I were always alone. From the time we got home from school to the time we went to bed, my parents were at the bar. No shitting. They would come home and argue all night keeping us awake and making us terrified. My nerves were shot. My life was hell. I turned to food. Food always made me happy. It calmed me down. I was so terrified when my parents fought that I literally shook from the time I heard the car door slam when they got home to the bar all the way until they stopped arguing. It terrified me! A child should never have to go through that. EVER.
Then something even more terrible happened. My rock, my best friend, my sister, left home. Just left. I don't blame her. I never did really. She had a lot of pressure on her. She was 17, and acting like a mother to me. Pleading for attention and praise from my parents that she never got. So, that was rough. Suddenly I was alone. I just started talking to her again about two years ago. We are fine, but not super close anymore. We have our own lives. But, I'm grateful in some way at least we are communicating again. But man, that sucked. And that's when I really started turning to food. I was alone in this. The crazy world of fighting, alcoholism, and just hell. I turned to food every time I wanted to get relief from the stress of the fighting or just try to get happy.
That pattern stops now. It stops today. Maybe some bum ate my sandwich I threw in the parking lot. I dunno. But I'm done with that way of thinking from now on. Instead of me running for food whenever I don't get what I want or if I'm depressed, I'm going to have a conversation with myself. A true internal conversation and tell myself to THINK. Think about why I feel what I'm feeling, and how can I fix it. It's so simple. I just have to make that my new habit.
Food is for fuel, not for a friend.
So, yeah that was my day. I'm fine now. I have accepted that fact that I lost only two pounds. But, hey, that's two more pounds GONE. I'm going to keep going. I have to. For me. I've lost weight before, I can do it again. And I will. I know that I can.
So, tomorrow I will be posting stuff about my workouts. Today was my "day of rest" so nothing as far as gym to report. But, I did stay on track with Loseit! and am below my calories for the day. I ate a ton of fruits and veggies today. I love it. Instead of feeling tired and blah after I eat, I feel energized and happy. That's the true sign that what I'm putting into my body is GOOD for me. Both in body and in mind.
“Everyone faces defeat. It may be a stepping-stone or a stumbling block,
depending on the mental attitude with which it is faced.” ~Napoleon Hill
Amen.
See you all tomorrow!
Kelly, I know that the number "2" is a small number. However, you have to remember that 2 lbs lost is roughly equivalent to 6000+ calories. Now THAT'S a big number. burning off 6K calories in one week that you don't consume is quite a feat. So what if you hit 10 LBS the week before? 2 (or even 1) lb a week might seem insignificant, if you do that every week for a year, suddenly you're talking about real "significant" change.
ReplyDeleteGenerally, humans gain wait each year as they age. Maybe just a few lbs each year. After 20 years, you can easily see how people can arrive to where they are without necessarily ever "letting themselves go"
100 extra calories each day would result in 10+ lbs each year, which is quite a lot over time.
I know you want to see results now, but please remember that
1) what you're doing IS working,
2) you're taking weight off much faster than you (most likely) put it on in the first place
3) There's more to being healthy than weighing a certain weight. The fact that you do cardio exercise on a regular basis is important, even if it had no effect on your weight.
4) Not sure if I had a number 4
5) You should probably think about what your goals are which things do (and will) make you happy. If you like walking, it doesn't help much to beat up walking for not making you lose a certain amount of weight.
6) Sustainability. You really need to approach this in a way that's healthy and sustainable. Regardless of your weight in the future, you need to "want" to exercise for the rest of your life. Because you like it. I know, easier said than done, and you're thinking about your relationship with food, but also think of your relationship with exercise. I'd hate for you to reach your goals, but hate every minute of it. It's probably more important to do this in a way you can sustain for the rest of your life, than a way that might have good results at first, but burns you out in the end.
-Russ (Adam's friend on Facebook)
Great comment Russ!
ReplyDeleteI completely see your points! I do love exercise. I think that I really always have because I have always been an athletic person (generally) given my weight. I think that I will eventually have to tone down the intensity of my workouts to make them be a sustainable habit.
For right now, I want to get to the point where I can physically build myself up to be able to be fit and be able to sustain that. I do have a habit about caring about the number, but it's more about the way I look and feel. There are certain aspects of being over weight that are not flattering. The flabby stomach, for example, that is experienced is a very hard thing to get over. It brings your self confidence down. So, I guess I want to get that under control as quickly as possible. I know it will get better with more toning up and losing weight, and I have to remember to try to be more patient. Two pounds is two pounds. At least I lost something and I am happy! Adam always reminds me about how NOT PATIENT I am, and he's correct!! :o)
Feel free to keep giving me tips and inspiration! I know you are a very active guy, so I love hearing your input!
I've skimmed through most of your newer posts and I'm glad to see that you have a more positive outlook now. I get sad when people become disenchanted with exercise and the patience it requires. Glad to see that you're making it work for you! I think I read in one of your newer posts that you burned something like 1000 calories in just over an hour. That's an impressive number of calories to burn. One of the most inspiring moments I had running happened during a marathon I ran with my cousin. (We were running it slower than usual, it would be his first barefoot marathon and for me, it was part of my ultra training, having run 20 miles the previous day)
ReplyDeleteAt the start of the race, we were running near a very overweight man who seemed to be completely out of breath. He was "obviously" out of place among all the skinny runners, and we slowly pulled away from him (in the way that happens when you're only just-barely running faster than someone else). After we finished the race, we walked back to the car. I happened to cross the road just as he was passing the 25 mile mark. I don't think he slowed down much. Seeing him so close to the finish and knowing that nothing would keep him from getting there ALMOST made me cry, and I'm mostly robot! I knew that he had to work far harder than I to run the same race. That's what really hit me.
And, unless you're an elite runner, (and I'm nowhere near one of those), you're really only ever racing against (and for) yourself.
Thank you for the kind words. I am excited to be doing good and I will keep on going!!
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